Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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