You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
