the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
