This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
