i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
