i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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