this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
