Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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