mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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