I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
