I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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