I think my fart just growled at me.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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