You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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