20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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