Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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