Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
