My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
