Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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