I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
