We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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