Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
