is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
