Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
