Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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