paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
