Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
