I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
