he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
