in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That accounts for only three of the penises
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
