I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
