i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
