So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
