glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
