my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
