I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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