i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am naked and annoyed.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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