So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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