at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
