I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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