Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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