Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
