Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
