Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
