My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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