i need an iv and a liver transplant
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
