I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
