It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
