and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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