I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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