hotel room ftw
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
