she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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