farters have to be the big spoon...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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