she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
