i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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