Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
