I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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