I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
