There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
